What's a black hole? Well, any mass of sufficient density won't allow anything, even light, to escape. It only dissipates through hawking radiation.
1B. Hawking radiation? How does that work? Well, the smaller the black hole the faster it disintegrates. Large black holes take very long to dissipate their energy.
What's the big bang? All the matter in the universe was so densely packed into one point that it all blew out and escaped.
2B. So a black hole the mass of the universe, that probably dissipates extremely slowly. Literally slower than anything else ever could.
Why didn't the Bang follow the rules of black holes? We're to believe hawking radiation spontaneously becomes matter in only this one case, and somehow this particular black hole uniquely dissipated near-infinitely faster than would be the case for any other black holes ever?
1B. Hawking radiation? How does that work? Well, the smaller the black hole the faster it disintegrates. Large black holes take very long to dissipate their energy.
2B. So a black hole the mass of the universe, that probably dissipates extremely slowly. Literally slower than anything else ever could.
Or are we inside a black hole? Hm. Seems goofy.
And when given in the context of dark matter, we can explain it all away with infinity.
Why do black holes eat light? Why...infinity of course!