I used to smoke because its the only thing that can really calm and relax me. My family line must produce alot of adrenaline/testosterone because there is a bit of aggression that runs there, I imagine its why I exist, and my family wasnt one of the many lines that perished trying to live on this continent hundreds of years ago. I can totally see my ancestors up all night on alert waiting for british/french/indian raids. Perhaps im crazy though ^^ I havent ruled that out.

Im torn about it, no matter how upset, or angry I get, smoking a bowl calms me right down. Its not like a violent person, but I have a tendency to do dumb things like try and join the military after staying up for 5 nights and getting kicked out by my dad lmao after I cant keep my mouth shut.

Would I have done more with my life if I hadnt smoked? Proably not, I would proably be drinking copious amounts of alcohol instead.

I hate it, its the one thing I do wish I could change about myself, but my life has just been so crappy ( whos hasnt I know), and man the poisoning, everyday I wake up and think about what happened to me. It feels like ill never get over it. I just like to change my state of mind so im not raging and stuporing in my own self pity. Helps to break those thought loops that I didnt understand were part of the low latency thing.

If it werent for the weed, there is a chance I would have joined the military or I would have graduated with my bachelors, made some games, started a small studio. I think im just a loser though, and thats ok. I lived life how I wanted, not how others wanted me too. I have no one to blame except for myself. Health problems though, are a different story...

At this point, im smoking the weed medicinally. It helps control the gout/inflammation without having to take gout medication everyday, and it helps with the nausea/sleep problems/headaches/kidney pain/fatigue/muscle and bone pain from the parathryoidism though :(. As much as I would love to quit it, I cant right now.

Fucking funny ass thing is when I worked for that shit ass company that poisoned me, before I was a freon disposal technician, I was on the truck with a driver going around the province removing old fridges and freezers. The driver hated weed so I wouldnt bring it with me when we would spend a week on the other side of the province once a month.

Not smoking was not a issue when I had something to do and was motivated. As soon as I am home alone with my thoughts, I feel a need to spark up. It is entirely a mental addiction, and again its the only thing I actually hate about myself :(.

So torn. I have no doubt about the medicinal uses for it though.